NIGHT WALKER

I went to the beach this weekend. Twice. I know, outrageous! Could it possibly be true, the night walker ventured out into the daylight clad in a two piece voluntarily stepping foot onto… SAND?!? Yip, I did, it is all true and I have witnesses to that effect. Thunder and Pint Size where both there and they can vouch for me… sort of… well maybe… kind of… a version of me was there…

You see, in my Craziiland where good ideas reside and crazii ideas actually happen I suggested the beach without really thinking the whole process through. Night walker, on the beach, bikini, blinding light, mass exodus, many ambulances, jail sentence for indecent reflective blinding etc etc. I think you get the point. So in a moment of wild panic “OMG, I’ve now suggested the beach and actually have to go, but how do I go without donning a long sleeve shirt and jeans and not looking like a complete Dutch Tourist…” I had an epiphany *PING* Spray Tan. Yes my lovely friends, this paler than pale redhead went from vanilla with choclate sprinkles to camel leather in a matter of minutes. Ask Thunder, she has lots of comments on the matter…

This it how the process went. Arrive at salon on time for transformation:

Spray Tan Angel: Hi Crazii, why don’t you hop into the shower and I’ll see you when you’re done.
Me: Sure…
(Ummm… water not getting warm, do you think you’re supposed to shower in artic temperature water, maybe it opens the pores)
Me: eek, wow, eish this is cold, right, you can do it, go!
STA: Crazii, you okay in there?
Me: Fine, just exfoliating (and freezing my ass off, WTF, why am I doing this again… right, jail sentence)
STA: Crazii, you done?
Me: (In voice 30 decibels higher than normal) Yes, on, grrrr, my, grrrr, way, grrr, out.
STA: Crazii, what on earth, why are you so cold?
Me: Shower… has… no…warm…tap…thought…it…was…all…part…of…magic…transformation.
STA: Crazii, it’s a mixer, left is warm, right is cold.
Me: Right…

Anyway, shower episode out of the way, magic transformation begins:

STA: So, what function are you going to?
Me: Function, no function, beach.
STA: You’re going to the beach?
Me: Yes…
STA: So why are you getting a spray on tan when you’re going to the place that will give you one naturally.
Me: Ah, you see, I have a theory. If I go to the beach tanned, I don’t blind anybody. While I’m saving the world from future blindness I’m getting a real tan under my fake tan. So when I get home and shower off fake tan, I have real tan left.
STA: Crazii, you do realize that you’re a night walker, night walkers don’t tan.
Me: I’m stripping you of you Spray Tan Angel status… pfft Thunder stealer!

Needless to say, I am back to night walker status with only a few hundred million more chocolate sprinkles! But still desperately set on hitting the sand again!

DIFFICULT DECISIONS

Making the decision to be alone is one of the hardest decisions I have ever made in my life. I am a part of a whole type of person. I have always been with a partner since I was able to date. 6 months between long term relationships is not enough time to realize who are you and find out how you like your eggs, scrambled or fried. I think that each person in the relationship needs to be whole individually, before the relationship can blossom. You cannot be a half and rely on the other person to be the other half and support you all the time. Which is why I currently find myself in the position that I am in at the moment. Alone. By myself. Without a partner. Self inflicted of course but I think the best decision for me at the moment. Because as I said before, I am a part of a whole type of person… I need to learn to be a whole.

My decision is hurting the person I am trying most not to hurt, by doing this. I know this sounds very confusing but this is how I see it. Being together I oscillate between saying yes to something one day, and then saying absolutely no to the very same thing the next day. And then I cry. For Hours. I’m everywhere and nowhere at the same time and it’s not conducive for a loving relationship. Not withstanding the issue I have with not really knowing who I am or loving myself or knowing what I want from life, therefore how can I possibly give love to others. Anyway… with all this going on I decided that the best decision for us in the long run and the best decision for me currently was to part and for me to be alone. I do not know if there will be an us in the long run or not. All I am doing is trying to figure me out and this is the course of action I have chosen.

Yes, I know what you all are thinking… super selfish and doesn’t he have a say in the matter. Of course he does! And he has been amazing. We have discussed it a number of times, going in circles, figuring new things out each time and all he wants is for me to be happy. The selfish and unselfish trying to figure out life’s intricacies. He just wants me to be happy, no matter how much he is hurting that is all he wants. How can one person be so supportive when they think the decision the other person is making is so wrong…? Something else to work on I suppose… I think I should make a list.

1. Make yourself a whole first before dealing with issues 2-237.
Right...

Anywho, this is where I am. I want to thank everyone for being supportive and putting up with my crap, most of all the Cyclist.

WHEN I AM HEARTBROKEN I DO...

When I am heartbroken there are a number of things I do:

Heartbroken situation 1:
My favourite jersey went into the wash looking like a piece out of Audrey Hepburn’s wardrobe and emerged looking like Lilly Allen had given it a go.

Solution 1:
Plastic. Swiping it, handing it over, basically offering it to the shop assistant in order to replace 1 with many… works every time (until your banker manager find outs!). This solution applies to all items of clothing including shoes that have had the misfortune of either a) your smoking friends, b) your reliable but slightly quirky housekeeper and/or c) your parents pets.

Heartbroken situation 2:
I find out that Butlers only opens at 4pm everyday and that it is impossible to have their pizza for breakfast on a Sunday morning unless you have ordered in advance the night before. I would most definitely have ordered it the night before as my fridge is stocked with liquid consumables only, but would not have had the foresight not to eat the entire thing.

Solution 2:
Cry, there is no other way to deal with this. DO NOT SUBSTITUTE.

Heartbroken situation 3:
Utter and complete heartache

Solution 3:
My usual trick with heart ache is to jump on the first plane to The Big Smoke, buy a box of ciggies and a few bottles of wine and get the wonderful Cousin to fetch me at the airport and transport to a land of fairies and all things good. This usually entails drinking and dancing from when I land on Fridy evening until he so carefully wheels me back into the airport around 7pm on Sunday evening to catch my flight back to reality… However, this time around I am actually going to take the advice of a very special person and do the opposite.

I am going to stay in Cape Town this weekend and spend time with the parentals, the friends that love and care about me and give my new gorgeous pink and silver running shoes a good introduction into their future running career. I’m going to stay in Cape Town because this is where the support is.

(Not to say it is not in The Big Smoke, but the base is bigger and can actually take a lot more of my nonsense at the moment. Thank you Cuzzie!)

YOU NEED TO REMEMBER

Holding on to something
With hope in your heart
But sometimes time can change things
And hoping gets hard

Don't give up, don't give in
Others have been where you've been
And just around the corner there's a smile

You need to remember
That someone cares for you
That summer follows winter
And life can be renewed

You need to remember
That sunshine follows rain
That tears are prayers for laughter
And life can come again
You need to remember

Understanding heartache
It's hard just to trust
But you'll find things will work out
Just believe in His love

And don't give up, don't give in
Others have been where you've been
And just around the corner there's a smile

You need to remember
That someone cares for you
That summer follows winter
And life can be renewed

You need to remember
That sunshine follows rain
That tears are prayers for laughter
And life can come again
You need to remember

LAYOUT CHANGE

Sorry to confuse Peeps, but I had to make a change to give Peas her due... you like, you not like???

Man has it been a ball ache to do this... I think I better learn to become a computer nerd chop chop otherwise I might just go insane! Please say you likey, otherwise back to the drawing board, eish :-)

MY MONEY, OTHER PEOPLE'S HOLIDAYS

Okay, so usually in situations like this I am so super prepared I look like Bree Vandecamp’s year before schedule. This time however, I was completely blindsided and smashed in the face by the one thing I hate most in the world. Tax Season. And not only Tax Season, but the deadline submission date for my tax return so that I can get annihilated once again by a government department that has yet to prove to me it is more efficient than Jeremy Clarkson’s car/boat. Actually, wait a minute, I’m being cruel. SARS is actually the only efficient government body at all and do you know why, because money makes people do things quickly. Taking away people’s money for expensive jets, first class tickets overseas and exorbitant MP’s salaries is an obvious priority in this otherwise wonderful country of ours (barring crime, pollution, traffic jams etc, but that is for another day and post, possibly Pets Hates 2).

So anyway, here I am sitting at my desk on a Thursday morning, hyperventilating to such an extent that the poor secretary thinks I’m giving birth while I diligently log onto the SARS efiling website. Please submit login details and password. No problem. Punch in some number, letters and funny little symbols and wait for my brand spanking completely new and incomplete tax return to pop up... nope…! What does pop up in its place is a lovely little RED warming sign saying incorrect name and/or password. Well, which one is it! Name or password… bugger. So on my respective 2 turns later I change one or the other, oops! I am now completely blocked from the efiling website because of my too creative choice of login details, cannot submit my tax return today as I am banned for 24 hours and will now have to incur penalty fees for being a bloody tax payer in the first place! ;*^%@. Breathing becoming a challenge. Dots everywhere. Floor getting closer at rapid speed… (floor rather dirty and full of breadcrumbs, hmmm, maybe they’ll take me to a wonderful place full of fairies and little people who don’t pay tax…)

This bites...

RUNNING AGAIN

A recent conversation with The Cyclist kick started my running training again.

The Cyclist: When last did you run?
Me: I told you, the doctor put me off running for a while.
The Cyclist: Crazii, why on earth were you at the doctor and why would he have put you off running?
Me: My toenails were not happy and needed a bit of TLC.
The Cyclist: Crazii, that’s the pedicurist and how do your toenails stop you from running?
Me: Well they’re black and fugly looking…
The Cyclist: Again I ask, incapacitating you how?
Me: Okay, so they’re not actually hindering my running, I just don’t want them all to go black, so I took 1 weeks break.
The Cyclist: And when last did you run?
Me: 3 weeks ago.
The Cyclist: Exactly.
Me: Always take what the doctor/pedicurist says and multiply by seven.
The Cyclist: That’s dog years Crazii, not running years.

My first running session did not go well. I had the lung capacity of a 80 year old man with a penchant for Texan cigarettes and Stroh Rum . Not wanting to inflict my somewhat sluggish running style on people with eyes I stuck to the back of the group. After three terrible kms I noticed I was spending more time talking to the retired couple walking their 100year old poodle than doing any actual running. So I braved the middle of the pack and the main road.

There are certain tricks to use when running on a main road. I managed to use all of the below in one run.

1. For motivation, choose a road that has an average of ten cars a minute. The law of averages states that you will know at least one out of those ten cars. The next time you come face to face with the driver of that car, you do not want them to say, ‘Saw you walking the other day’.
2. Should you feel like your lungs have given up and you have a suspicion you’re breathing through your appendix (which is my case is an absolute miracle considering my appendix is sitting in some specimen jar on some laboratory shelf), turn down a side road and hide behind a tree for a couple of minutes. If anyone sees you, look up and start calling an imaginary dog (preferably the old couple’s poodle who you have just met). When the imaginary dog doesn’t come down, shrug your shoulders, sigh loudly and resume running.
3. If you’ve run out of side roads to hide down and your legs are now dragging five meters behind your body, rely on the old faithfuls:

• Stop to reset your ‘frozen’ iPod. If you are not wearing an iPod, tap your watch and sign loudly stating “damn, I think the battery has given up the ghost again”.
• Bend down to tie your loose shoelaces. Feel free to use this time to try our different ways of tying them.
• Stretch your muscles. This could take anything from one to five minutes. If no cars drive past, it doesn’t count. You’re allowed to stretch for at least ten cars.
• Stop to massage that old fake calf injury. Grimace while doing it and you will look hardcore. If you’re already crying from the lack of air feeding into your brain, it looks even better.
• Check your heart rate monitor and then look impressed. You don’t actually have to have a heart rate monitor, strap a compass to your wrist if you have to, just check it and pretend to press buttons while looking extremely chuffed with yourself.

 And if all the above fails, fake a heart attack, wip out your medical aid card and breathlessly call an ambulance for a quick and oxygen induced lift home.

(Thanks Baglett)

TIRED MONDAY

I feel like I have an entire clutch of sumo wrestlers each holding onto an individual eyelash and weighing it down so that it is physically impossible to open my eyelids larger than a fraction… That is how awesome the wedding and weekend was! I will write more when my brain finds it’s power button, my eye’s decide to join the human population and I have once again found my liver and coerced into returning to my body… Until then Peeps, Happy Monday!

MOTHER NATURE - A WEE PISSED OFF???

If feel an inherent need to apologise to The Foreigners for our miserable weather! I’m sorry ladies, but chin up, we’ll be at Borruso’s tonight for delicious food and great company!

Snuggle up warm CT, we’ve got a few days yet of Mother Nature’s wrath!

ALL NIGHTERS, HENS AND MEN'S DANGLY BITS

So after a number of weeks of serious preparation, 30 000 emails a day, numerous trips to PnP, Woolies and Adult World, the day had finally arrived… It was The Bride’s Hen Party Weekend in Hermanus! Woop Woop! The Bridesmaids set out after work together in an attempt to get there the day before in order to prepare everything for the following morning/afternoon/evening festivities. With the greatest intentions, we went out for dinner to the Local down the drag and started what turned into one of the awesomest all nighters ever! There was wine (obviously), lots and lots of silly girl talk and of course, penises. Lots and lots of penises… Now at this stage it’s only the day after the event and I’m still rather over them at the moment, so apologies for not breaking into the song “Big ones, small one’s and some as big as your head!”

Anyway, we talked and laughed, and cut up porn mags, and made 30 “SEXonds” and talk and laughed some more. We drank way too much wine, smoked way too many little cancer sticks and pretty much had a ball. We did however have one crises moment when it was suddenly discovered that there were no more cancer sticks left. Either they had grown little cancer stick people legs and taken off, or we in fact had done away with them ourselves. By the look of the ashtrays, my money was on the latter! So, crisis management Crazii kicked in, car keys were found and the petrol station (200m down the drag) was driven to. Cigarettes were bought, chips thrown in for good measure and a few stray chockies here and there for breakfast. Crises aborted, Hen’s happy… until we realized the time… 10am Saturday morning and we have done sweet frek all about food prep and the rest of the hen’s are arriving in 3 hours!!!

Back in the car and to Spar for numerous Redbulls, some odds and sods and booze.

Checkout Counter Lady: Good Morning, would you like a bag for these?
Crazii: Yes please, bags are gooooood…
Checkout Counter Lady (with strange look on her face): Right, okay, that’ll be R79.27.
Crazii: Okie Dokie, here's my card… hmmm, that’s weird, my card seems to have taken a leaf out of the cancer sticks books and scadaddled… bother!
Checkout Counter Lady: Is there a problem?
Crazii: Yes, my card has divorced me without a word. Note even a note or anything, I’m completely devastated.
Checkout Counter Lady: Lady, you’re holding up the queue, would you mind stepping to the side?
Crazii: My life is over, how could he be so cruel and do this to me. I thought we were best friends. I looked after his needs, made sure I always spent him on the good things in life. Nothing cheap and nasty, only the best for my little plastic Angel… The Traitor!
Checkout Counter Lady: Lady please, you’re causing a scene, please pay for your items or step away from the checkout counter.
Crazii: You’re right, I’m sorry, he’s not worth it… he’s my *choke* debit card (Silent pray, please don’t be declined, please do be declined)
Checkout Counter Lady: Sign here…
Crazii: Thank you Checkout Counter Lady, it’s always nice to know who your friends are in times like these!

Redbulls, some odds and sods and booze in the car and a fairly good idea of where that Traitor had gone, I set off, Redbull in hand and progressive hangover setting in, onwards and upwards back to, yes, you guessed it, The Petrol Station. But before I can get there, I get a call from one of the lovely Bridesmaids asking if I could please buy some paper cups for our delectable punch... Sure, no problem, back to Spar.  Paper cups in hand and at the till point again. Open wallet to find (again) no cash or credit card, bother.

Crazii: Excuse me?
Man standing next to me at till point: Yes?
Crazii: Would you like to buy my paper cups for me?
MSNTMATP: I'm sorry?
Crazii: You see I have no money and my credit card has left me for a cheaper model and these paper cups are the corner stone of our Hen Party!
MSNTMATP: Okay... well sure, how much?
Crazii: R14 and a smile!
MSNTMATP: No problem.
Crazii: Thank You! (Give him a big hug). I love you Hermanus folk!

Back into my little fast car and back to the Petrol Station

Setting Scene: Crazii walks in rather sheepishly to the petrol station hoping not to be noticed as the hangover eyes and Crazii hair have officially set in.

Petrol Station Attendant: YOU! (pointing directly at me, unless her and the confectionary section were on good terms)
Crazii: yes...
Petrol Station Attendant: You! Lady, your credit card had a nap over at our petrol station
Crazii: Well, yes, you see, I sort of… WHAT! That cheating bastard. So who was it, huh! Some little blue Std Bank Floozy… not wait, I bet you it was that little green number from Nedbank… that little skank!
Petrol Station Attendant: Right, okay, well would you like it back?
Crazii: Back! I’m not taking that cheating son of a gun back under my wing… well yes, alright, thanks very much, bye

Order restored and it was back to the house for the festivities! Some tame games while the “oldies were around” before changing into our Hells Angels kit and kicking it up a notch with 30 “SEXonds” and Sexy Charades! With the punch flowing and the feet starting to get itchy we headed out in our boom box taxi to Shimmi to dance into the early hours of the morning!

Thank you Hen's, Bride and Bridesmaids, it was awesome!

WHIPSKEY FESTIVAL

Hello Heaven! Or at least the closest I’ll ever get!

The annual visit to the Whiskey Festival is something The Cyclist and I look forward to with child-like excitement. This year we were so animated about our yearly voyage that we even got a Rikki’s to and from the CTICC in order to fully partake in our annual tradition of being Scottish (and Irish and sometimes American) with 110% enthusiasm! And we were certainly not disappointed!

1 x seriously large monster truck – Jack Daniels Stand, check!
1 x posh looking VIP black box – Johnny Walker Stand – check!
1 x proper Scotsman with sporran and bar rash – Macallum Stand – check!
1 x heaven on earth – Glenfiddich Stand – check!
1 x burn a whole in the wallet – Picardi Rebel Stand – check!

Right, so onto the purpose of the evening at hand, tasting! And taste we did! We also ate a number of strange tasting crackers, stole a few decorate nuts and dried fruits and owe a gratitude of thanks to Mr Jack Daniels for his delicious burgers! And when it was time to leave (boohoo) we even managed to still have 1 whole booklet entact (which considering we had about 50 tastes between us and a booklet only contains 12 vouchers, this was somewhat of a miracle); 3 bottles of Glenfiddich for the price of 2, some Jack Daniels merchandise and our taste buds singing praise to the glorious Scottish!

Slainte! Here's tae ye!

EVERYWHERE TODAY

Birthday’s always re-introduce you to people you haven’t necessarily spoken to in a while. For example, I got a FB message from The Globe Trotter who I haven’t seen or spoken to in ages. We dated for a number of years in high school and then he grew dreadlocks… Anywho, he’s currently living it up in NY (for which I am very jealous) and took a brief breather from his hectic schedule to wish me happy happy. It was great to hear from him and I was only the darkest shade of emerald green you’ve ever seen when I found out about his whereabouts. Nevertheless, I have recomposed myself and am stocked for the birthday wishes. It appears he had a bit of the “spew your guts to the whole world” flu as well and has started his very own blog, check it our here to increase you’re green-eyed monster meter :)

So anyway, while I was finding my way through The Globe Trotter’s blog, I bumped into the coolest little widget ever. Now my attention span when things are really really hectic hectic at the office leaves much to be desired when it comes to concentrating on anything other than work. So while I was paging through some posts the corner of my sneaky little eye got hold of the “People Counter”. It’s just the most awesome little widgety thinging-ma-bob ever! It counts the number of people who read your blob on a daily basis and tells you where they are from, how cool! I have a reader from Norway! Reader from Norway, you are awesome! As are all my readers from everywhere, I love you guys! I am so flushed with pride I could burst!

Shoo, I am like a little kid in a candy store today. I was actually going to dedicate this post to serious matters such a life’s trials and tests and how life is like a YoYo, it has it’s ups and downs (thank you My Cyclist :), but now I’ve just realized is 16:20, I’m going to the Whiskey Festival in 2 hours and I have another reader from Australia… Thank you Aussie reader too! Wow, someone stop me or I might just burst!

Okay Peeps, that’s enough excitement for one day… thank you ALL!

HMMMFT...

I am sad and grumpy... but not to make you all sad and grumpy, I was sent this... This is very funny!

Always remember to appreciate the simple things in life!

Just look at that face, can you put anymore cutness on one animal!!!