RUNNING AGAIN

A recent conversation with The Cyclist kick started my running training again.

The Cyclist: When last did you run?
Me: I told you, the doctor put me off running for a while.
The Cyclist: Crazii, why on earth were you at the doctor and why would he have put you off running?
Me: My toenails were not happy and needed a bit of TLC.
The Cyclist: Crazii, that’s the pedicurist and how do your toenails stop you from running?
Me: Well they’re black and fugly looking…
The Cyclist: Again I ask, incapacitating you how?
Me: Okay, so they’re not actually hindering my running, I just don’t want them all to go black, so I took 1 weeks break.
The Cyclist: And when last did you run?
Me: 3 weeks ago.
The Cyclist: Exactly.
Me: Always take what the doctor/pedicurist says and multiply by seven.
The Cyclist: That’s dog years Crazii, not running years.

My first running session did not go well. I had the lung capacity of a 80 year old man with a penchant for Texan cigarettes and Stroh Rum . Not wanting to inflict my somewhat sluggish running style on people with eyes I stuck to the back of the group. After three terrible kms I noticed I was spending more time talking to the retired couple walking their 100year old poodle than doing any actual running. So I braved the middle of the pack and the main road.

There are certain tricks to use when running on a main road. I managed to use all of the below in one run.

1. For motivation, choose a road that has an average of ten cars a minute. The law of averages states that you will know at least one out of those ten cars. The next time you come face to face with the driver of that car, you do not want them to say, ‘Saw you walking the other day’.
2. Should you feel like your lungs have given up and you have a suspicion you’re breathing through your appendix (which is my case is an absolute miracle considering my appendix is sitting in some specimen jar on some laboratory shelf), turn down a side road and hide behind a tree for a couple of minutes. If anyone sees you, look up and start calling an imaginary dog (preferably the old couple’s poodle who you have just met). When the imaginary dog doesn’t come down, shrug your shoulders, sigh loudly and resume running.
3. If you’ve run out of side roads to hide down and your legs are now dragging five meters behind your body, rely on the old faithfuls:

• Stop to reset your ‘frozen’ iPod. If you are not wearing an iPod, tap your watch and sign loudly stating “damn, I think the battery has given up the ghost again”.
• Bend down to tie your loose shoelaces. Feel free to use this time to try our different ways of tying them.
• Stretch your muscles. This could take anything from one to five minutes. If no cars drive past, it doesn’t count. You’re allowed to stretch for at least ten cars.
• Stop to massage that old fake calf injury. Grimace while doing it and you will look hardcore. If you’re already crying from the lack of air feeding into your brain, it looks even better.
• Check your heart rate monitor and then look impressed. You don’t actually have to have a heart rate monitor, strap a compass to your wrist if you have to, just check it and pretend to press buttons while looking extremely chuffed with yourself.

 And if all the above fails, fake a heart attack, wip out your medical aid card and breathlessly call an ambulance for a quick and oxygen induced lift home.

(Thanks Baglett)