DIFFICULT DECISIONS

Making the decision to be alone is one of the hardest decisions I have ever made in my life. I am a part of a whole type of person. I have always been with a partner since I was able to date. 6 months between long term relationships is not enough time to realize who are you and find out how you like your eggs, scrambled or fried. I think that each person in the relationship needs to be whole individually, before the relationship can blossom. You cannot be a half and rely on the other person to be the other half and support you all the time. Which is why I currently find myself in the position that I am in at the moment. Alone. By myself. Without a partner. Self inflicted of course but I think the best decision for me at the moment. Because as I said before, I am a part of a whole type of person… I need to learn to be a whole.

My decision is hurting the person I am trying most not to hurt, by doing this. I know this sounds very confusing but this is how I see it. Being together I oscillate between saying yes to something one day, and then saying absolutely no to the very same thing the next day. And then I cry. For Hours. I’m everywhere and nowhere at the same time and it’s not conducive for a loving relationship. Not withstanding the issue I have with not really knowing who I am or loving myself or knowing what I want from life, therefore how can I possibly give love to others. Anyway… with all this going on I decided that the best decision for us in the long run and the best decision for me currently was to part and for me to be alone. I do not know if there will be an us in the long run or not. All I am doing is trying to figure me out and this is the course of action I have chosen.

Yes, I know what you all are thinking… super selfish and doesn’t he have a say in the matter. Of course he does! And he has been amazing. We have discussed it a number of times, going in circles, figuring new things out each time and all he wants is for me to be happy. The selfish and unselfish trying to figure out life’s intricacies. He just wants me to be happy, no matter how much he is hurting that is all he wants. How can one person be so supportive when they think the decision the other person is making is so wrong…? Something else to work on I suppose… I think I should make a list.

1. Make yourself a whole first before dealing with issues 2-237.
Right...

Anywho, this is where I am. I want to thank everyone for being supportive and putting up with my crap, most of all the Cyclist.