WALKING: WHO NEEDS IT!

Remember my last post and how I so proudly said I was walking freely into the new year etc etc... well everything but one thing is true about that statement, the walking part! Upon our return from Key West and clearly still on a high from the incredible adventure/delicious cans of Strongbow; I made a pact with myself that I might actually try take this running business a bit more seriously. By this I mean maybe pound some tar once a week just to make sure the old legs, you know, stay in shape and whatever. So with this seed very well nestled in the "I am Crazii's evil twin" side of the brian... I joined a gym! 

I know! Even as the words tumble onto the page, I am still in shock as to how this whole process started in motion. What started as a wonderful field trip discovering the inner workings of (all bars in) Key West ended with a signed piece of paper, a gym card and *gasp* and locker number surrounded by *gasp* sweat and *gasp* spandex! And to add insult to injury, the only class that seemed like a realistically feasible option started at 6am! Now I know what you're thinking... who in their currently unemployed state would voluntarily wake up at that hour of the morning to go to the gym... As I said before; Crazii's evil twin. However there is a very loosely interpreted reasonable explanation for this, namely I couldn't actually participate in any of the other classes for various reasons:

1. Spinning - I value my rear end too much.
2. Yoga - I haven't been able to touch my toes since my 10th birthday.
3. Dance - My 2 left feet prohibit such an action, especially in public where injury may occur.
4. Pilates - refer to point 2.
5. Ab training - hahahahahahahahahahahaha, laughing at the sheer thought was training enough!

... which leaves only... 6. Cardio Bootcamp - Bingo!

My thinking this: it's cardio so basically running, which is essentially why I find myself in this predicament in the first place. I glossed over the bootcamp part for obvious reasons, namely the blatant connection with pain and possibility of cross training and set off to meet my new found running self! Wow, do my new found running self and I have seriously differing opinions of what running/exercise actually are. 

• Day 1: weights, dumbells and some sort of thinking I can do sit ups, hahahahaha!
• Day 2: aerobic step climber, skipping rope and some sort of thinking I can do push ups, hahahahaha!
• Day 3: 2 mile TT (for those lucky enough not to know what TT stands for, it means torture treatment, also known as a time trial)

(insert all manner of creative words and phrases here)

Which brings me back to walking freely and now the complete inability to do so! With the bootcamp instructor literally being ex military and as svelt and toned as any abnormal female would be, it is the fear of future class punishment that keeps me returning week in and week out... she knows where I live and should I miss a class, I fear I might lose something a little more than the calories associated with my daily fried food intake! However (and this is Crazii's evil twin talking here) she has managed to convince my brain that maybe, just maybe, the ageless concept of cross training is not quite as insane as originally believed (see Sweat and Spandex: Ch 2 for my opinion on this matter) and the proof has literally been in the pudding:

• 5kms Time Trials in under 23 mins
• Half marathons in 1h46m
• Crazii doing sit ups and push ups
• (I've even been known to lift a few weights here and there, but don't spread the news around)

The major point however, being that after each wonderous achievement, walking usually becomes a problem. And whilst G.I. Jane doesn't seem to think this is a problem, my inability to walk to the phone and call for pizza delivery is seriously concerning!

ECCENTRIC, ME? PFFT!

So now that I am officially back to reality, I actually have to pay attention to the details of my life that need assistance ie: my knee (and my French I have decided, but that is another story). So as the diligent, non selfish runner that I am, I took myself off to “The Knee Guy” (note the element of sarcasm, I was pretty much bound and gagged by the physio). Wow was he a ball of laughs! (The Knee Guy, my actual physio is wonderful.)

The Knee Guy: So, where do you have pain?
Me: Ummm…. (panic eyes setting in, check label on door, yip definitely in the right place), my knee?
TKG: Yes, which one?
Me: Ah, right, the left one.
TKG: (pulling and shifting and doing whatever he was doing) any of this hurt?
Me: Well if I was an elastic band, maybe not, but as it would have it, YES!
TKG: Okay, I think you need an MRI
Me: Wow, you’re a genius, that’s what I thought I was here for…

20 minutes under a machine that you have to sit deathly still in, otherwise your images come up looking like one of my cake disasters, my results come in.

TKG: Wow, there’s a lot of inflammation around the Patella and ITB joint. You could have lsdkjflsjflsjkflkjaslkfjlskjf…………
Me: Excuse me, anglais s’il vous plait?
TKG: No running for 2 months and eccentric strength training for 8 weeks, 3 times a week.
Me: Is that for my personality or my knee?
TKG: Here’s your script, physio is upstairs.
Me: Right, bye Mr Cheerful.

And upstairs I trot (literally running up the stairs as my way of being very adult about this whole process and sticking my tongue out at the man downstairs) to meet my physio.

Me: Hello, I’m here to see my physio.
Receptionist: Okay, please take a seat, he’ll be out shortly.
Me: *SWOON* Helllllooooooo….
Hot Physio: Hello Miss Crazii, what can I do for you today?
Me: Hmmm. Well if you really want to know… ummm, I mean, script, dude downstairs, something about being Crazii?
HP: Ah yes, eccentric strength training.
ME: that’s the one.
HP: Right, come with me
Me: With the greatest of pleasure…

And then he put me on a bicycle…

Me: WTF???
HP: What you have to do is resist the momentum of the bicycle.
Me: Why?
HP: Because it will strengthen the muscles around the knee cap and quads so we can get you out of here and back on the road.
Me: Well firstly I don’t really want to leave and I’ve never given up on the road.
HP: So you’re still running then?
Me: yeeeesssss…..
HP: You know that will hamper your progress and you will be here for longer?
Me: Perfect, how much mileage a week will keep me here until I’ve met your mom?
HP: Right, I can see you’re going to be one of “those” patients…
Me: By those you mean the one you want to take home to meet your mother?
HP: No, buy those I mean difficult.
Me: Let’s call me eccentric and see where that gets us…

Needless to say I peddled, or in fact resisted peddling for the duration of the session and am due back again on Saturday. I think this might be the first time I’m excited to be on a bicycle in spandex, sweating.

SWEAT AND SPANDEX

Two of my most hated words as well as individual items. And when you put them together Oh Heavens Above I basically faint! I mean really, who in their right mind would voluntarily put themselves in a position where they have to a) exercise b) wear something that is made out of nylon c) wear something that is usually too tight and brings to mind the concept of marshmallows stuffed into a condom and d) sweat.. for fun! Seriously Peeps, this is not normal. So you must understand my complete and utter shock at my surprise out of body experience I had last night.

As a runner, you become very fit in the cardio vascular area of yourself. This leaves the remaining areas, ie: weight training, stretching, suppleness, core stability a lot to be desired. I can run… that is about it. Put me in front of free weights or anything heavier than a bottle of Haute Cabriere and a Butlers pizza box and I cannot lift it. In my youth I used to be rather bendy and always swore that should the day arrive when I was unable to do the splits I would shoot myself. So it was with great pains and disappointment in myself for not buying the .32 special I saw at the Pawn Shop down the road, that not only could I NOT shoot myself but my brain (left to it’s own devices is a dangerous toy) decided that my body needed to sort it’s self out, chop chop! I fear that my brain and body have yet to make up after their last interesting decision (see I Told You So.)

Cue Bikram Yoga. Yoga, performed in gym gear (ie: the dreaded “s” word), in a relaxed and calm environment where your body and mind can release all negative energy into a communal tranquil space. Plenty of stretching is performed and core stability is paramount. Oh, and did I mention all this is done while voluntarily sitting in a STEAM ROOM! So not only are you wearing the word-that-shall-not-be-said, you are sweating before… yes before… you even start exercising, SERIOUSLY! Who does that???

(The next section of this entry is never to be repeated, I will deny it was ever written, call you crazii and get you committed)

It was AWESOME! Not only could I feel my hamstring re-introducing itself ever so gently to my butt check, but I was sweating. And when I say sweating I mean I looked like a pedophile on a playground I was so drenched. And loving it! My clothes, my hair, everything felt like I had just stepped out from under a waterfall. Even Thunder didn’t neglect to mention that “OMG, look Crazii, you’re sweating, it’s amazing!!!” Yes Peeps, the reality is this a) I was exercising, b) I was sweating, c) all of this was being done in gym gear (yes, I do actually own some, but don’t let that get out) with my free will intact and my brain and body chatting away as if they were best friends!

I’m hooked and will be back again for more on Monday!