WOULD YOU LIKE CHIPS WITH THAT?

It occurred to me last night that within my current circle of Wonderful Ladies, we have a very varied dynamic when it comes to men and relationships. Whilst we are all fiercely independent woman, we do in some way need and love the attention of the male species. The below adages were actually written a while back to make light of the frequently used phrase “There are more fish in the sea”. I’m not sure what other woman (or men) might think of the descriptions, but I don’t particularly mind as it achieved it's desired result of making one Wonderful Lady smile and forget her men troubles for a while!

In every woman’s quest to find TPM (The Perfect Man) it has been said to us (after tubs of ice-cream, boxes of tissues and piles of glossy mags later) that there are in fact “More Fish in the Sea”. Now my personal feelings towards this phrase cannot in fact be expressed in words for fear of internet indecency and the like; however, when the Giggle Queen (London based pal) shared her feelings with me regarding her most recent male experience I felt an inherent need to 1)make her laugh, and 2)actually analyze what in fact the sea bed has to offer.

So Ladies, please see below our current (albeit slightly jaded) feelings towards the sea-dwelling male population: (thanks Thunder Struck for the added entertainment value)

Sharks: womanizing pricks who are bad in bed because they only care about themselves. Also known as Jocks, Professional Sport Stars, Movie Stars, Men who think they look like movie stars, Men who think they may have been a movie star in a past life etc… They are however always hot, look great on your arm at a function and have the brain capacity of a goldfish on speed. This is good, easy to manipulate if you don’t mind the wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am type of seduction and need a quick fix!

Guppies: spineless whining wastes of space nerds who believe the idea of a date encompasses living vicariously through their avatar playing internet games and gaining more points and powers in the virtual world of cyber space. Their advantages do however included fixing your technological problems, making sure you feel amazing because you are the woman on the pedestal in their eyes, and cooking.
Stingrays: You wanna ride one of these puppies. But only long enough to save your sanity, dignity and possible death by Ben & Jerry’s Cookie Dough. These boys are great. They’re fun, spontaneous and don’t mind PDA’s (Public display’s of affection). They’ve even been known to start the PDA’s themselves. They cuddle, walk on the traffic side of the road and buy you flowers. They do however have a dark side, it hurts like shit and usually comes in the form of a late night sms from “The Other Woman”. Wow, where’s the freezer and that giant spoon when you need it…

Mantarays: Big cuddly teddy bears that would wrap you up in cotton wool if Johnson and Johnson hadn’t put out a restraining order on them. Will love you always (and I mean always), build shrines in your honour and carry your handbag in public without feeling emasculated. They’ll ask you how you like it, where you like it and if you like it the way they’re doing it. Downside: never really take the initiative and have most likely finished all the Ben and Jerry’s in the freezer for when you dump them for Mr Stingray!

Tropical/Exotic Fish: These are the foreign men that reel you in with their exotic accents and their easy going yet stylish look. They play it cool and laid back, they are guaranteed fun and will always show you a good time, dinner and dancing is always on the cards and picking up the tab for it all. This is simply because they have never had such a cheep date before, yet they are constantly reminding you of the exchange rate and just how much cheap you really are. They are great to look at and fun to be around; however beware, they will steal your heart and have the ability to turn into a shark if the situation calls for it.

Penguin: Best mate for life. Will even step out of the herd to save a rolling egg, or hold your handbag in public.

The Dolphin: This is the really cute guy you want to take home to your mother and father. You tell each other everything and have the most fantastic adventures together. The catch: you are his fag hag and he owns more shoes than you and takes you shopping and for a day at the spa when you’re feeling down.

Having said all of this Ladies, let’s not stop trying to find TPM… it can be rather fun sometimes!