UPGRADING IS NOT ALWAYS THE BEST OPTION.

With the total lack of creative inspiration circling my office this morning, I’m afraid today’s post is borrowed from the wonderful Chef. In true guy IT style, he sent through an email which can only be descried as hilarious and ever so perceptive for the male species.

Readers, please enjoy: Installing a Husband

Dear TECH SUPPORT

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as Cricket 5.0, AFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.



Dear DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!
Tech Support

I know, I couldn’t help smiling either! So I sent it onto the wise Grandmother for comment. Here is what she had to say:

Grandmother: Loved this one, funny but very true!!
Me: Then in that case, remind me not to upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0!
Grandmother: Husband 1.0 does have compensations though!! If it is a good system it will last for years, without too much in the way of up grades, and it is a comforting companion that one gets to know very well without too many undesirable programmes....However there will always be cricket, tennis or worse still RUGBY!! Or horrors of horrors...red wine and snoring!!! Husband 1.0 actually leaves Boy friend 0.5 way back in Windows 98.
Me: OMG Gran, you are amazing!

IN THE BEGINNING...

The past couple of weeks have been strange. Not strange in a bad way, just peculiar and maybe slightly out of the ordinary. Daily life has remained fairly the same, it’s just that the element of religion (so well ignored over the past few years) seems to have felt the need to make itself known. Now don’t get me wrong, I do believe in the fact that there is something bigger than us out there, I’m just not sure if it’s an old bearded man (be he in a Catholic Robe, Jewish kippah or Muslim jubba).

I do believe that any form of belief in any religion does give those believers a sense of community in what is often a very chaotic and terrifying world. I appreciate that and am more than happy to sit on the fence in any discussion surrounding the topic, or in fact play (a bad) Devils Advocate to the best of my ability (which is consciously limited lest I get trapped in a conversation with a fervent believer!). My general feeling towards religion is that it is a personal choice and as long as it is not pressed upon me, I’m happy as Larry. I have obvious concerns surrounding the more fervent believers and do think that religion in these kinds of circles causes more trouble in the world than in necessary; however we all have brains to think and mostly I believe that is what we should do.

The reason for these meanderings was initially triggered by The Chef (wonderfully religious in every sense and a joy to be around), re-iterated by The Grandmother (years of knowledge on the subject and forever committed) and finally pushed home by The Cyclist. The Cyclist’s religious beliefs run along the same lines as mine and have never had a hugely significant impact on his life… or so I thought. My mind was recently changed when I saw him with a book depicting the religious journey of a Jewish man. Now the fact that he was carrying a religious book was not what shocked me the most, it was the fact that he was returning said book to it’s original owner after having read it from cover to cover in 2 days! The Cyclist does not read books. Not because he is lazy, but purely because he enjoys the ramblings of magazines and online publications far more. Now I am an avid reader and go through books faster than I can eat a pizza (which is saying something) so I have always been an advocate for the wonderful gems of fiction that can take me away from reality for a long as I care to concentrate. Needless to say, he had finished this book, a religious book, and found it wonderful…

So maybe, just maybe, there might be a place for religion in this crazy world... it did get the Cyclist to read a book after all :-)

I TOLD YOU SO.

Dear Body,

While I appreciate your need to a) punish me for what I put you through yesterday by cutting off all natural endorphins to my now atrophied muscles and b) make me look like the hunchback of Notre Dame doing an Englishman’s version of the sokkie jol; do you think we could possibly call a truce? We are in fact part of the same team and although I understandably sense your current loathing for the part of my body comfortably housed above the neck line, you cannot in all fairness blame the entire situation on her. Yes, she is a brain housed in the head of a redhead, but that is not entirely her fault and therefore cannot be used as punishment against her. You may recall, when the discussion was tabled over a number of months (okay minutes, but who’s keeping track) there was a unanimous vote for Yes! Yes Patella, yes Ankle and yes, even you Hamstring decided that it was a challenge worth taking up. So while I so appreciated all the enthusiasm and gusto that you all managed to perfectly muster yesterday, could we all please get back on the same page and play nice with each other for today and maybe tomorrow… yes?? You see, we couldn’t have actually done it without each other and a pat on the back would be far more sensible than the current mind numbing sensation of having my knees trying so vigorously to disassociate themselves from my body! Any takers???

Oh who am I kidding… It was amazing and worth every single old granny hobble I’ll be doing until the next one! 1 down… and the world is my oyster/arena of blisters, energade and shortened calf muscles!

Thank you to all my wonderful supporters along the route, you guys were amazing and I can honestly say I would not have managed without you!

DR! DR! I THINK SHE NEEDS AN IV OF CHAMPAGNE! STAT!

Two posts in one day. Some would say I’m on a roll; other’s who know me are currently very concerned and think maybe tranquillizers and a straight jacket might be in order. I don’t think they are wrong!

In just under 48 hours (OMG when I put it like that I can barely breathe) I will be undertaking one of the craziest things I have ever done in my whole life, ever. Ever! And I say this as a woman who swims in Camps Bay, wears 12 inch heels on cobbled stones and goes to work with sumo wrestlers chilling on her eyelids. (Can you see where this is going...)

Two months ago it seemed like a fairly reasonable thing to do. I mean lots of people do it, so why can’t I? Word to the wise: DO NOT EVER ASK YOURSELF THAT QUESTION. Firstly, because it is not a question you should ever have to ask yourself. Secondly, if you have to ask it to yourself, it means you’re getting into some serious serious trouble! Trust me I know… I’m about neck deep in that trouble right now!

Spandex pants, a rainproof top, well wore takkies and 42.2kms of tar stretching far beyond this Redhead’s capacity to imagine… lies my Sunday morning! Seriously Peeps, did no-one think to inform me that this was NOT SANE!

Well, wish me luck (or the ability to grow wings, that seems more plausible at this stage) and join me hobbling my way to champagne heaven on Sunday!

WITH A SIDE ORDER OF SALAD

In the true spirit of all things male, The Boys (for another time and post) have jumped on the bandwagon and decided that we Woman cannot have all the fun. And by fun I mean being back-bitingly skeptical about 85% of the male population. So true to form, they have created what they feel swims in the Sea of Endless …………… (fill in appropriate word as necessary. Some suggestions: Heartache, Pain, Irritation… and for the more hardened stomach’s… Lurve).

The Boys take on “There are More Fish in The Sea”:

Ramouray: Good with housework but way too clingy.

Blow Fish: Puff themselves up with lots of make up, expensive clothes and a basic "look at me" attitude. They might stir your curiosity at first but when they run out of breath their true form shows and they fail to maintain your interest. Blow fish can often be seen idling in shopping malls and coffee shops. They generally have little or no personality and their interest only stretches as far as the latest Jimmy Choo's. They are nice to mess with but get tiring after while.

Lion Fish (aka Cougar Fish): These are special specimens. They are a rare breed but if you find them you are in heaven. They are an older breed that have been around the ocean. They know exactly what they want and have no qualms in taking it. If your are lucky to be snagged by one of these , sit back and enjoy. This is one of the few fish that comes with lots of benefits and little effort. But be careful, they can be poisonous if cornered or jealous!

Sea Horse: Ha ha self explanatory. Giddy up!!

Eels: These are some of the more dangerous specimens. They are generally attractive and grab your attention with their skinny, model like exteriors and sleek well-maintained bodies. They make good arm candy and would be great to show off to your friends if they didn't keep slipping out of your grasp. They're sneaky and untrustworthy but provide you with moments of electricity that keep you coming back for more.

Angel Fish: These are daddies little girls. At school they were focused and committed with lots of ambition and plenty of goals. These girls are hard work to say the least and don't respond well to crass jokes or toilet humour. Time consuming is putting it mildly, and because of their daddy complexes, they are barely able to make any decisions without conversing with at least 3 or more fish, namely the Eels and Blowfish.

Thank you Boys for that enlightening experience. Who says boys can't be bitchy too!

Happy Friday Peeps… to quote Gareth Cliff “It’s the WEEEEKKKKEEEEENNND BABY!”

WOULD YOU LIKE CHIPS WITH THAT?

It occurred to me last night that within my current circle of Wonderful Ladies, we have a very varied dynamic when it comes to men and relationships. Whilst we are all fiercely independent woman, we do in some way need and love the attention of the male species. The below adages were actually written a while back to make light of the frequently used phrase “There are more fish in the sea”. I’m not sure what other woman (or men) might think of the descriptions, but I don’t particularly mind as it achieved it's desired result of making one Wonderful Lady smile and forget her men troubles for a while!

In every woman’s quest to find TPM (The Perfect Man) it has been said to us (after tubs of ice-cream, boxes of tissues and piles of glossy mags later) that there are in fact “More Fish in the Sea”. Now my personal feelings towards this phrase cannot in fact be expressed in words for fear of internet indecency and the like; however, when the Giggle Queen (London based pal) shared her feelings with me regarding her most recent male experience I felt an inherent need to 1)make her laugh, and 2)actually analyze what in fact the sea bed has to offer.

So Ladies, please see below our current (albeit slightly jaded) feelings towards the sea-dwelling male population: (thanks Thunder Struck for the added entertainment value)

Sharks: womanizing pricks who are bad in bed because they only care about themselves. Also known as Jocks, Professional Sport Stars, Movie Stars, Men who think they look like movie stars, Men who think they may have been a movie star in a past life etc… They are however always hot, look great on your arm at a function and have the brain capacity of a goldfish on speed. This is good, easy to manipulate if you don’t mind the wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am type of seduction and need a quick fix!

Guppies: spineless whining wastes of space nerds who believe the idea of a date encompasses living vicariously through their avatar playing internet games and gaining more points and powers in the virtual world of cyber space. Their advantages do however included fixing your technological problems, making sure you feel amazing because you are the woman on the pedestal in their eyes, and cooking.
Stingrays: You wanna ride one of these puppies. But only long enough to save your sanity, dignity and possible death by Ben & Jerry’s Cookie Dough. These boys are great. They’re fun, spontaneous and don’t mind PDA’s (Public display’s of affection). They’ve even been known to start the PDA’s themselves. They cuddle, walk on the traffic side of the road and buy you flowers. They do however have a dark side, it hurts like shit and usually comes in the form of a late night sms from “The Other Woman”. Wow, where’s the freezer and that giant spoon when you need it…

Mantarays: Big cuddly teddy bears that would wrap you up in cotton wool if Johnson and Johnson hadn’t put out a restraining order on them. Will love you always (and I mean always), build shrines in your honour and carry your handbag in public without feeling emasculated. They’ll ask you how you like it, where you like it and if you like it the way they’re doing it. Downside: never really take the initiative and have most likely finished all the Ben and Jerry’s in the freezer for when you dump them for Mr Stingray!

Tropical/Exotic Fish: These are the foreign men that reel you in with their exotic accents and their easy going yet stylish look. They play it cool and laid back, they are guaranteed fun and will always show you a good time, dinner and dancing is always on the cards and picking up the tab for it all. This is simply because they have never had such a cheep date before, yet they are constantly reminding you of the exchange rate and just how much cheap you really are. They are great to look at and fun to be around; however beware, they will steal your heart and have the ability to turn into a shark if the situation calls for it.

Penguin: Best mate for life. Will even step out of the herd to save a rolling egg, or hold your handbag in public.

The Dolphin: This is the really cute guy you want to take home to your mother and father. You tell each other everything and have the most fantastic adventures together. The catch: you are his fag hag and he owns more shoes than you and takes you shopping and for a day at the spa when you’re feeling down.

Having said all of this Ladies, let’s not stop trying to find TPM… it can be rather fun sometimes!

THERE IS A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING

I have been threatening to do this for ages. And yes, true to form, it was the usual Crazii Redhead saying things like, “I think I should do this because… etc etc” which went on for ages, chewed many a friends ear off and still managed not to produce anything. So here it is Peeps, my first official blog entry. One of many to come I assure you… sometimes… when I have time… and am not reading other people’s blogs and doing that nasty bit of time-consuming malarkey called work. Don’t get me wrong, I am the poster child for someone who enjoys her job, but lets be honest here, it’s kind of extensive and nobody ever has a 100% enjoyment factor!

Talking about time consuming… I’ve been training for a marathon. I know, I know, crazy talk. But seriously, this running shit takes up time. And not the kind of time you would ordinarily be awake in either. I mean who in their right mind wakes up at 5am in the death of a Cape Town winter to don tight black spandex pants, a long sleeve water proof top (well that’s what the label says but it was obviously tested in a climate THAT DOES NOT RAIN!) and gloves only to vacate their beautifully under floor heated house to sweat!!!??? I ask you! And yes Thunder Struck (my bestest girl friend) I can hear you sniggering at the spandex and sweat comment! I have started to question my own sanity quite severely, but it is just too late to give up now. I’ll be damned if I don’t run this crazy thing on Sunday after putting myself through FOMO hell (fear of missing out). Yes, I’m telling you, the number of awesome parties/events/drunken piss ups I have had to give up for this insane cause are just too many to count and I will not have missed them for nothing!

So Peeps, as this Crazii Redhead heads for the blister filled arena of marathon runners, spare a thought for her lost sanity and please for the sake of all things bubbly, make sure you have a glass of champagne in hand come Sunday, 27th September 2009 at 11:30am!